I received my (newly adopted) children's new birth certificates today, with mixed emotions. Jeffery is now 10, and little Jaycie just turned 4. (The children came to live with us 15 months ago, a foster-adoption. Kinship for Jeffery [my biological cousin] but no biological relation for his baby half-sister.)
Once again, I felt their pain, their loss-- of the birth family who "should have" loved them and raised them, of the future that they "should have" had with the birth mother who bore them-- in a perfect world. Terribly addicted to drugs and alcohol, however, she could not continue to be their mother, at least not in a parenting role. What a terrible LOSS for (now, my) children. Their extended birth family (most from West Virginia, some from Georgia) did (and does) love them, however, and I am forever grateful for the efforts they DID show to care for my babies-- until they were mine (we live in Oklahoma).
I've made 3 different DVD's for my children's birth families, sent photos, etc., and email and call the one relative (an aunt) who still has a telephone, and internet. (Most of them have neither... which many of us cannot fathom living without.) I see the TREASURES I have in this precious boy and darling little girl, and I grieve for their birth family's great loss... it must tear at their hearts that these babies are so far away, from their hugs, their familiar ways, their kisses and laughter.
All adoption (whether a newborn, from foster care, or an orphanage- or from direct relinquishment by a family you know) involves LOSS-- on the part of many parties. What is GAIN for the new parents (and "gain" for the newly adopted children- who have a future, a hope, security, provisions, LOVE in their new home) is also a loss for the children, and for their birth families.
Believe me, my children are MINE, and before the world was created, God knew that they were MEANT to be MINE. Because He also knew the choices that their birth family would make, the addictions, the neglect, and the abuse that my children would suffer before being "plucked out of the fire" and brought to a safe place... their "forever home", our home--- their home. We are all SO BLESSED to be a family, and to have each other. NO DOUBT... only compassion and empathy for my children's losses, and that of their original family.
I've been working on Life Books for each child-- a work in progress. I'd saved a page for the new birth certificates (which, as I shared, just arrived an hour ago in my mailbox). Before that page, however, are 3-4 other pages about their birth mother, fathers (different for each child), their grandmother, cousins, and aunts that I'm aware of, and with whom most of whom I deliberately still keep contact. This is for my children... they've lost enough, hurt enough, had enough "broken connections"--- I don't want their whole history to "disappear". I just want to give them as much love -- and help for healing and understanding (and forgiving)-- as I can.
May healing come... God help us all. (I know He will, and is!)
Blessings to you all. Becky Wright
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Becky Wright at "Blind School Bash" Concert, Muskogee, OK 2006
The reason you may be feeling mixed feelings about your adopted kid's new birth certificates could be because they don't reflect the truth of their origins, which is what a "Birth Certificate" should do. As an adult adoptee and a Christian, it makes more sense to me to issue something akin to an "Adoption Certificate" but keep the child's obc intact and unsealed, because it belongs to them and their history, identity, and personhood.
ReplyDeleteThat would encourage truthfulness and wholeness. Your adopted children's truth is that they are not your's alone, they are also the children of their biological families, forever. It is so comforting to know, just like Joseph said in the Bible, that when adoptees lose their original families, that it isn't "meant to be" from the Lord, but that "what the enemy meant for evil, God turns for good." I'm so thankful He didn't "will" for me to need adoption, but He did sustain and turn it for good. He doesn't "will" sickness, but he heals. Attributing adoption as "meant to be" is the same hurtful philosophy as saying it was "meant to be" when a tragedy happens...it didn't come from God. Attributing it to "God's will" will harm your child's true being and cause it to be even harder for them to believe and trust in a loving God.